What the fuck day is it?!
Gosh, the last time I had that thought in such a manner was in my drinking days… I must be getting old. Yeah, that’s it. I have been sober since March 8, 2018–168 days– without a drop. So, it can’t be that, right?
Five months of being sober and it still pokes the back (and sometimes, front) of my mind, like an annoying little sibling that wants attention. Or a fly buzzing around me and not letting up. This is a lifelong disease. One that I avoid calling a disease. I avoid calling myself an alcoholic. I’ve accepted that I am, but I avoid it so I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of why I am the way I am. Or how I got there and where I stand now. I just don’t talk about it. I avoid outings that there will be alcohol. The “I don’t drink” statement really gets under people’s skin. Like it’s a slight against them and they are now offended. How dare I not drink!
Some days, I feel like two different people. The one who wants to stay sober and the one that want to party like Jim Morrison. Many different versions of my own voice zipping around battling for my attention. Which should be listened to today? The one saying “I’m not good enough”, or “You’re too fat”, or “You’re unlovable”? In the first sober days, I went from on top of the world, unstoppable, and feeling fantastic to utter despair. Sadness, anger, all the emotions had risen to the top and boiled over. This pot wasn’t big enough to hold it all and I couldn’t shovel it back in. My boat was sinking. Fast.
Years of stuffing down my emotions, even the good ones, came back all at once. Remember the stampede in The Lion King and Simba almost was smooshed? (Nerd alert).
You know what I’m talking about?
K. Good. We’re on the same page then.
Wildebeest = emotions, Simba = me. The score 1-0. I was losing.
AA basically saved me in the beginning. Hearing the stories of others and the hope that came with them, helped me leave the darkness attempting to swallow me whole. Those meetings (and episodes of Mom) can only get me so far.
Some days are a breeze other days are so difficult I curl up in my papasan and just stay put all weekend. Breezy days I figured out my passion for accounting, fell in love with traveling again and discovering what I want in life. Difficult days I found out it is possible to have too much Netflix. So now I Hulu…
That is one thing not talked about often. With addiction, quitting one thing leaves a huge hole. You gotta fill that hole. Most fill it with equally or more bad things. Others find great fulfillment in a harmless passion. I filled it with food. Mix that with many a day and night of zero movement.
I gained 20 pounds.
Slowly working on that one. It’s HARD to quit eating away the feelings and alcoholism. I’m almost there. This morning I actually WANTED a salad for lunch. TWICE this week!